So it’s partly because top ten lists are pretty popular right now, partly because it’s really hard to come up with original ideas for blog posts and partly because I love me some alliteration that this new segment has come about.
I thought I’d start off with something pretty simple and straightforward—here is…
Top Ten Creepiest-looking People in History
The inspiration behind this list is without a doubt (in my mind at least) the creepiest looking person in history (seriously I have nightmares every time I see a picture of him—which, given how much I love Russian history, is actually not all that infrequently).
As well as being creepy-looking, Rasputin was just plain creepy. He was a Siberian peasant proclaiming to have mystical powers that could cure the Russian Tsarevitch of haemophilia and through this developed a close relationship with the Tsarina (it’s rumoured they were lovers, but there’s not really any proof of this, despite what Boney M says).
Not liking the influence Rasputin had over the empress, a few close allies of the Tsar decided to assassinate him. They poisoned his food (with enough cyanide to kill five men), and when that didn’t work they shot him. When he was still alive after the shooting they beat him into unconsciousness, bound him and threw him into the river (December in Russia—talk about cold!), where drowning was the final cause of death. But if the movie Anastasia is to be believed, even that didn’t kill him properly.
Side note: Unfortunately, no one will ever know if Rasputin’s remedies for Tsarevitch Alexei actually worked (although I’m guessing no), because the boy was killed with the rest of his family following the Russian Revolution.
2. Ayatollah Khomeini
I can say one thing—I would not want to live in Iran while this guy’s face was plastered all over the place (seriously, those eyes! *shiver*). Also the whole anti-Western thing. That.
3. Sophia Alekseyevna of Russia
The older half-sister of Peter the Great. And I’m just putting it out there, but I’m guessing he got his looks (he was said to be quite the catch, after all) from his mother’s side. Not only did Sophia look like a total crazy bitch, but she actually was one. She acted as regent for Peter and his co-Tsar, his half-brother Feodor (I know, hardly anyone’s heard of him) until Feodor died as a teenager, then she plotted to steal the crown for herself.
Big mistake! Huge!
She ended her days locked away in a convent.
4. Ivan the Terrible of Russia
These Russians…damn. Well, the name pretty much says it all and if a picture paints a thousand words then just look at it! Although I have to wonder whether this was painted
after his death, because surely anyone painting their crazy, vicious, blood-thirsty monarch in this way would be taking their life in their own hands.
5. Vlad the Impaler
Confession time: Vlad Dracula is one of my favourite historical figures. Seriously, who wouldn’t find a guy famous for throwing anyone who displeased him off his castle ramparts onto spikes embedded in the ground absolutely fascinating?
But he is also a very creepy looking guy. I mean, that stash—who pulls off a moustache like that without looking like a serial killer?
6. Aileen Wuormos
The prostitute serial killer made immortal by Charlize Theron’s Oscar winning performance in Monster. In photos of her younger years it’s clear she was actually a moderately attractive woman at some point, but clearly killing and incarceration is not good for the pores
7. Joseph Goebbels
If I had to choose the evilest person on this list we’d have the winner right here. Yes—even worse than Vlad in my opinion. At least Vlad was completely transparent in his bloodlust and did all his killing himself. AND he didn’t kill himself and his entire family when he realised defeat was imminent. However, this is not a list of evil people, it’s a list of creepy-looking people, and there are six other people who look creepier than Goebbels.
8. Edgar Allan Poe
You have to feel a little sorry for old Edgar, he’s the only one on this list who you couldn’t really call a ‘villain’—or at the very least a complete douchebag (see no. 10)—but he is definitely one creepy looking dude and his writing wasn’t exactly all sunshine and roses. And then there’s the whole birds thing… *shiver*
9. Genghis Khan
He was the founder of the biggest empire in history and I can tell you he didn’t win people over with smiles and hugs! He led the Mongol Horde as they slaughtered and pillaged their way through Eurasia, conquering lands and peoples as they went. I’m pretty sure if I caught sight of the Horde coming my way with this scary-looking dude at the helm I’d be praying for an invisibility cloak, ‘cause that would be pretty much as useful as anything else I’d be able to do.
Side note: according to science, about 0.5% of the world’s male population is directly descended from Genghis Khan. The guy sure did get around—but I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume not all of his conquests were consensual.
10. Donald Trump
It really is unfortunate that we live in a time where world leaders have thousands of photos taken of them each day, instead of the good old days of portrait-painting. Imagine how much more pleasant it would be for our eyes if all we saw of Trump was an artist’s far-too-flattering interpretation of the American leader.
Side note: clearly the Russian artists of the early empire weren’t aware that this was what they were supposed to do.
And there you have it–next week I’ll try to do something a little less nightmare0inducing.